31 July 2012
As said on Monty Python's Flying Circus:
"And now for something completely different."
This is a fan fiction draft. No rights to characters below should be inferred.
"In confusion there is profit."
Lt. Nicholas Holden, Operation Petticoat (1959)
The starship moved in powered orbit around a glowing world. The cruiser remained invisible to millions of other orbiting ships, being for the most part ignored. It was the lull before a pre-known planetary chaos. Taking advantage of this moment, nearly all her crew were foraging for parts on the surface. Shopping takes an extrodinary priority, on a starship traveling the multiverse.
One of her skeleton crew was able to enjoy a rare moment of quiet. Mostly.
"Captain we have to go down there!" Ash
"You know how this plays out. We don't interfere." Captain DeCarlo.
"Request permission ..."
"Try and stop me."
Ash stormed off the bridge.
DeCarlo sat down, and slowly sipped a mug of coffee. When the mug was empty, "Security. Do not prep a shuttle, do not leave it unguarded, and do not permit the shuttle egress from the landing bay."
"Our last shuttle departed five minutes ago." toned one of mobile AI units.
"The planetary capital. And sir, a fighter launched with orders to pursue."
"Stand down from security alert."
The last of the skeleton crew looked at the main view screen. "Good luck gentlemen."
"We stand between the darkness and the light."
Ambassador Delenn, Babylon 5
Planetary Capital. The beginning of the long twilight.
"This is A Number One the dumbest move you're ever going to make." said Ash as he strode toward a building.
He entered, paused to listen, then moved toward the scampering noises in the semi-darkness. "It's ok. I'm here to help."
Boot steps echoed behind Ash. He whirled, shotgun aimed at chest level.
"I knew you hated me." said Jack Deth.
"Get back on your ride, and get the hell out of Dodge!"
"YOU got me stuck on that rust bucket." Deth pulled out a micro-gun from his pack. "I'll be damned if you run off and leave me there. What the hell has got you spooked?"
"Do you have any idea where we are?"
"Not a clue."
Ash raised an eyebrow, "Surely you jest."
"I kid you not. And don't call me Shirley."
The sound of footsteps in the darkness grew louder and closer. Figures appeared in the dim light.
"You've got to be kidding me." Deth
"Now do you get it?" Ash
Deth looked at the children and snapped his fingers. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdoom. We're on Earth?"
"That's "Mad Max Beyond ThunderDOME". And You Are Clueless."
Deth looked at his sensor pack. "Bodies on the move outside. Energy weapons. Fans of yours?"
"Can you keep them busy?"
"What about skinny over there?" Deth pointed his M-gun at a man standing at the entrance.
"He's a hostile, and you ARE totally clueless."
Deth let loose with a hail of explosive needle rounds interspersed with the gattling laser bursts. The stranger deftly moved away from the cloud of fire.
"Okay. You handle tall geeky and mysterious, and I'll say hello to your fan club."
"Be seeing you death."
Deth headed outside, "Don't get all mushy on me."
Ash pumped both barrels at the approaching man. LIghtning flashed in the dim light. Small broken pellets hit the stone floor.
Anakin Skywalker reached out and force pushed Ash into a wall. Ash slammed into the wall, his shotgun shattering on impact.
Ash extracted himself from the wall. Bleeding, bruised, and with an insane amount of adrenalin coursing through his system. With a muscle flex his chainsaw roared into life. Adamantium blades humming on their tracks.
"Come get some." Ash
Outside Deth was partially preoccupied with crowd control, and partially listening to the sounds echoing from the building.
Whoosh, Wirrrrr, Bussk
Varoom, Wirrrr Brrrrr, Bussk
Wirrr, Vroom, Wirrr, Vroom Vroom, Wirrr.
Long agonizing minutes later, the outside courtyard was silent. But the battle inside raged.
Vroom Vroom, Wirrrr, Bussk Bussk.
Vroom, VROOM, Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh, Bussk Bussk Bussk BUSSK
Wirrr, Brrrrrrk, clatter, WIRRR, WIRRR, WIRRR, WIRRRmm
vroomvroomvroomvroom ... vroomvroomvroomvroom ...
The long silence broke when Ash saunted onto the courtyard. Covered in blood he collapsed. Deth closed the distance, but sensed movement in the entryway before he could check on Ash. He pointed M-gun toward the doorway.
Children poured out of the building. Some crouched over the fallen figure, and laid glowing hands on him. Ash violently coughed.
"Take it easy Maxy." said Deth.
Ash pointed at the piles of Stormtroopers, "You really really don't know."
"Perps in ugly armor. Lousy armor by the way. So?"
"The Imperium's interstellar wars?"
"Jedi. Sith. Freaking lightsabers!"
Deth unclipped a cylindrical object from his belt, "You mean these weird things are weapons not decoration??" Deth stared into the projector, "Where's the on switch?"
En-mass the Jedi in training propped Ash up. The oldest turned toward Deth and plucked the lightsaber from his hand, then glided away. A purple beam vroomed from the projector end, then swiftly disappeared. Grinning from ear to ear, she carefully handed it back. Deth shuddered, "Keep it."
"He is clueless."
"I rout an army in the darkness solo handed, and insults are all I get."
Ash stood up weakly and walked toward his shuttle. The children escorted him.
"Jack I guarantee just for you movie night all this week will have episodes one through nine."
"What happened inside?"
Ash coughed blood, then grinned as he entered the shuttle.
"Can't make the same mistake this time.
We are the children
The last generation
We are the ones they left behind."
Tina Turner - We Don't Need Another Hero
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)
Ash is the property of Sam Raimi ETAL.
Anakin Skywalker is the property of George Lucas ETAL.
Jack Deth is the property of Charles Band ETAL.
Mad Max is the property of George Miller ETAL
Captain DeCarlo is the property of David Stroup ETAL.
"Come get some."
Ash, Army of Darkness (1985)